It’s 9am. I’m jolted awake by the nightmare I’m having. You’re in it, but just as you turn to face me, you vanish. It’s 12pm. I’m still trying to slow down my heartbeat and relax, it was only a dream. Stop replaying it in your head, this is unnecessary anxiety. It’s 4pm. I’m trying to focus on my professor who is teaching a lesson, but you keep creeping back into my mind, and I struggle to hold back tears. Why did I do the things I did? I miss you so bad. It’s 8pm, I’m eating dinner late, as I always do, because I took a nap from 6 until now just to stop my brain from screaming at me. I’m exhausted even still. It’s 1am now, I know I should be sound asleep but I’m not. I try to distract myself with a television show, the internet, the sound of the rain outside, anything. It’s 3am, I wish I could roll over and hold you. But you aren’t here, and I don’t think that you will ever be.

I’m trying so fucking hard not to miss you or want you or think about you when I can’t fall asleep. I’m trying to scrape every last memory of you from the floor of my mind but you are stuck there. I kept such a tight hold of every last word you ever said to me and I think it’s going to be impossible to forget you now. I’m trying so fucking hard not to cry or to call you because we have been apart for so long now that I don’t even think you could remember what colour my eyes are, but you know damn well I’d never forget yours.

I know I lost you to someone else, so here’s a reminder to them. Keep her safe, tell her she is beautiful, she’ll blush and you will too but you’ll mean it because how could you not? Look at her. Don’t take her eyes for granted. They are blue like rolling tides, like the sky with no clouds, you’ll get lost in them and forget how to breathe. Exhale. You will never find anything like those eyes again. Make her laugh. Her laugh will fill your heart with so much happiness that you’ll shiver. She will make you nervous. You will feel butterflies. Sometimes you will wonder if she notices. She does. You will fight because she’s stubborn and she doesn’t like to be wrong. She will stand her ground if she needs to. She’s strong, and most of the time, she’s right. Don’t try to reason with her if she’s mad at you, give her time and she will come around. Things will be okay. It doesn’t take much wine for her to start giggling at everything around her. Give her another glass. You will have the most amazing conversations about life and the world and you will be glad you did. Those nights and memories will be the ones you can’t forget. Her personality is unlike any other, it will shine through the most at 4am. She’s a perfectionist. Remind her to breathe when things aren’t working the way she wants them to. She will work so hard because she loves what she does. Be sure she takes breaks. Make her tea. Buy her fruit. Take her to see horses. She loves horses. Tell her how much you love her every single day. Don’t go to bed without saying it. No matter how tired you are, where you are in the world, or what you are doing. You tell her you love her. You’ll look back one day and realize you wish you had said it more often if you don’t. Tell her all of the cheesy things that will pop into your head, tell her because she deserves it all and so much more. Watch her fall asleep, you’ll notice her breathing pattern will change, and sometimes she’ll twitch when she’s dreaming. Hold her. Hug her. Kiss her on the cheek. Run your fingers through her hair and let her drift back to sleep. Pull her as close to you as possible. And most importantly, don’t let go. Treasure every single moment with her, because I can promise you, she will be the best thing that will ever fall into your life.

It was three in the morning and she was sound asleep beside you, wrapped up in a sweater you let her wear. You’d wear it the very next day just to feel her there with you. Do you remember how in love you were in that moment? How nothing had ever felt like this. It scared you half to death but it also was the point in which you realized this was for real. You couldn’t fall asleep because you were scared of wasting the time you had with her. You whispered softly to her that you were so lucky to have found her, so lucky to know her, but the only thing taking in your words was the darkness of the night. She was everything, wasn’t she? The very thing you had never known you were searching for. She was your always and she didn’t even know it.